untitled.

so, i’ve been absent from my blog for a while. and it’s been purposeful because i hadn’t (and still haven’t, honestly) figured out clear, concise way to explain my absence other than the following word:

anxiety.

my social anxiety, while i hate it, is manageable. what started happening several months ago, the OH MY GOD WHY CAN’T I BREATHE panic attacks…those were becoming more and more common. and that’s always fun. my triggers were generally related to work. i found myself locking the door in the restroom at work, sliding along it and unto the floor in full, blown out panic attacks at least weekly. and truth be told, the bathrooms at work are VERY STINKY.

i kept it to myself until i had a particularly bad episode one day in february, texting john that if things didn’t get better soon i’d need to go to the doctor. i decided to do a total lifestyle overhaul; eliminating things from my life that drove me to the edge, changing my diet to a cleaner, healthier way of eating, and starting a consistent exercise regiment. if i didn’t start feeling better after several weeks, i’d go to the doctor to discuss other options. when john got back from his month-long training in charleston, sc at the beginning of march, we jumped right in.

and it’s working, so far at least. i’m feeling better physically, mentally, and emotionally. i’m not saying that it has been easy. and i’m not saying that i haven’t experienced any more panic attacks, because i have. but they are less frequent and less intense than they have been in the past.

so…that’s why i’ve been absent. there’s a sort of shame involved admitting that you are more or less on the verge of losing your shit all of the time. because that’s a great party trick, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 

chuckles.

i wish i could say it’s only happened once or twice, but there have actually been multiple (way more that i’d like to acknowledge) times where someone is introducing me to another person, and then says:

you know wendy! she’s the girl whose facebook status updates/blog i read to you! she’s hilarious!

and then the other person is just staring at me, like they’re just waiting for me to spew forth hilarity. on cue. like a trained seal. while i stand there blank faced, my mind silently screaming I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN BEING! I AM A (WO)MAN!

now i’m completely self-aware of what i post on facebook, trying to really reserve that space for either something completely outstanding or somewhat important. which is probably why i can’t bring myself to update my facebook at all. it’s like finding out that you have a poppy seed wedged between your two front teeth hours after you ate lunch. everyone is looking, but no one says anything.

this is what it had to feel like to be britney back in 2007. and 2008. and parts of 2009. the pressure…it’s crushing.

super

one of the newer things that jonas likes to do is to pretend that he is a superhero. he’ll grab a towel or blanket, wrap it around his neck, and run through the house proclaiming SUPER JONAS TO THE RESCUE! with his little fist clenched, leading the way.

it’s sweet and adorable and makes me smile.

while we were at john’s parents’ house for christmas, jonas was doing his usual super routine. except that this time he’d fling himself to the ground, sadly saying “i can’t doooooo it!”. we finally asked what he couldn’t do, and he said,

“I CAN’T FLYYYYY!”

so john walked over to him, picked him up so that he was parallel to the ground, and helped jonas fly. he was back to the rescue in prime form.

……….

it’s memories like these that make me so excited to raise these two little boys, to watch them grow, to see them experience life every day. it may mean years of walking on tiny lego parts and more hot wheels cars than a toy store, but i can’t wait to see who these boys become.

tiny driver

over the past few weeks, jonas has started to become the world’s tiniest backseat driver. from commenting on how fast or slow you’re going to being cautious around other drivers, we’ve heard it all. and don’t get me started on the 10 minutes of WHAT WAS THAT NOISE, MOMMY? after you accidently hit the grated side of the bypass.

but of all of the rules of the road, his favorite has to be traffic lights. a quarter mile from a visible red light will result in STOP, MOMMY, STOP! THE LIGHT IS RED until you actually stop the car. when the light turns green he commands us to GO, MOMMY, GO! jonas will even tell us to SLOOOOOW down when the light turns yellow. he’s steadily becoming more maniacal with this newfound authority, the road rage building as we sit at red lights because COME ON GREEN! WE NEED GREEN!

i know that we joke about it, but i’m actually impressed by his knowledge of things i didn’t realize he was learning. kids grasp on to things, sayings, tidbits throughout the day when you least expect it.

when i was in first grade, our class went on a field trip to the mall to see a vehicle safety exhibit. in my seven year old mind, it was amazing. there were police officers from around the area, different learning stations set up, and vince and larry were even there. i loved every second of it. at one of the learning stations a police officer asked our class if we knew what colors meant what on traffic lights. the answers for the red and green lights were quickly shouted out, but no one was saying what the yellow light meant. after he asked us again what a yellow light meant, i raised my hand and said, “it means to make up your mind!”.

which if you’ve seen me drive, you know is true. this is probably why i failed my driving test the first time. which means it’s just another thing i can blame on my parents. jonas, are you taking notes?

the future.

 

i think that every generation needs it’s next sleazy car salesman and 35 year old still living in his mother’s basement, respectively.

 

world, you’re welcome.

old yeller

this past weekend we watched the iron giant as a family. i’m going to be honest…i have never watched this movie before, and only picked it because it had a giant robot and to jonas that means THAT’S A BIG ROBOT, MOMMY. MOMMY? SEE THE BIG ROBOT? BIG ROBOT!!!!

so we’re sitting there, enjoying the movie when i can tell it’s taking a definite turn south. i mean, c’mon…there’s a missile headed for the city and one of two things are going to happen (and i’m desperately hoping that the robot makes it free and clear). i cut my tear-filled eyes over at john and tell him that THIS BETTER HAVE A HAPPY ENDING as the robot closes his eyes to await his kaboomesque fate. and all john can do is say REALLY? IT’S A CARTOON ROBOT. 

i’m not going to say that my family sheltered me from sad or scary pop culture things while i was young, because that’d be an outright lie. i mean, what about the time that my dad waited for my mom to pull out of the driveway before he sat me down to watch saving private ryan? or that time that he rented the shining for me, not realizing that while i had watched it before, but the tv version is HIGHLY edited.

now that i think of it, maybe everyone EXCEPT my dad sheltered me.

when i was 14 or 15 years old, we watched old yeller at my grandma’s house. i had watched the movie a dozen times before, but when that gun shot rung out i was completely shocked. apparently i had never seen the last part of the movie, and before that day could never understand why people would remark that it was such a sad movie. either my grandparent’s turned it off before it got to that part, or i fell asleep. i found myself bawling because OMG WHY DOES TRAVIS HAVE THAT GUN! NOT OLD YELLER!

the spotlight shines so bright

the summer i was eight years old, sandwiched by the youth of second grade and the impending maturity of being in third grade, was stellar. besides the usual summer affairs of a child in the south, my family also visited family in southern california.

we crammed as much as possible during that week or so of vacation. we went to disney land and rode the tea cups. we watched the fireworks every night from my great aunt’s back porch. i saw my favorite hollywood star’s names in their stars on the boulevard, and put my hands in maryiln monroe’s. heck, we even ate at our first olive garden, and experienced totally smoke-free dining for the first time.

i didn’t have many expectations for the vacation…except for one. the minute we pulled into the parking lot of universal studios i had only one thing on my agenda.

i was going to be discovered.

maybe it was hearing the story of lana turner, maybe it was all of the sun, or maybe the motion sickness patches i wore on the boat ride out to see the queen mary. all i know was that i was certain that some big time hollywood producer would be walking around the park during a break in filming the next thriller and they’d find me,

charming, dazzling, talented me.

i have to admit, i was basically a triple threat. i could sing, i could act, and i could dance. i had stunning good looks and a sharp wit. i was the quintessential disney dream. so once we got into the park, my big plan began.

for starters, i had to look mature. i needed to pass for at least 11 or 12 so i could straddle both the child and young teen roles. and mature people? well, they sure aren’t walking around universal studios with their parents and grandparents. no. that wouldn’t do. i wasn’t going to let me parents hold me back. so while walking down the streets of the theme park, i kept a solid three foot barrier between my family and myself. three feet was the perfect distance. enough to look independent, and close enough to not get stolen.

BECAUSE WHO WOULDN’T WANT THIS, AMIRIGHT?

the second factor into my plan to stardom was my smile. i had practiced before leaving arkansas, and by the time we hit california i was on FULL SMILE ALERT. so much so that my cheeks strained, leaving my face pinched and sore.

the third and final step in my plan was to draw attention to my superior acting abilities. dramatic, grandiose hand gestures, over the top laughing, and model-esque poses filled every spare second. unbelievably, after a full day of experiencing universal studios, i left undiscovered.  i was completely defeated. my big break had come and went, and i was staring a life in arkansas straight in the face.

looking back on my experience there, i’m sure my parents were completely THRILLED at my behavior that day, making sure that there was at least three feet between us.

…

when i watch jonas, a ham in his own right, on his own little stage, i can’t help but smile and think of where he gets it from.

HIS FATHER.