freedom.

There's been a lot of changes in my life the past couple of months, and I know that more are quickly coming. When there are so many uncertainties surrounding you, decisions being made that you have no voice in...you feel trapped.

All of these emotions of ring restrained, uncomfortable, and sad sort of manifested into a focus on my hair. My long, long hair. Suddenly looking at my hair brought rage. It was a symbol of being restrained.

And I needed freedom.

So I had it cut off. All of it, save a few inches on the top of my head. My hairdresser cut off at least 12 inches of hair, and I was able to donate 10 inches of it.

And I felt free.

I no longer cared about what this person or that person thought about me as I hid behind a mass of wild hair. I'm more confident in myself, a quality that was lost years ago.

So, come on World. I'm ready to experience you.

the other one.

Jonas is a special kid. His personality, mannerisms, everything sort of mimics me. He's incredibly stubborn, and not always compliant. But he's smart, super funny, and a cutie.

As stubborn as he is, I can remember having to remove him from a public place once because of his behavior. Later that night he threw up a lot and ran a good fever, so I can see why he was upset!

And then there's Noah. Little Noah. The other one. He's sweet; he will cuddle for a bit and give kisses. He will sit and read a book with you. He'll offer bites of his food. But I've had to leave places a couple of times now because of his behavior. Like screaming at the top of his lungs while arching his back and turning his head completely around. Twice.

And so I write this from inside the truck with an incredibly angry 18 month old while the other members of our small family purchase our groceries.

Sigh.

Ready.

After a self-imposed hiatus, I'm ready to blog again.

2012 was a big year for our family. From new job roles to news about our future...it was a heavy year.



Jonas turned three in May, and started attending a pre-school program two days a week in September. I am constantly amazed by him. He's such a smart, funny little kid. His vocabulary grows by the minute. He is fascinated by superheroes, namely IronMan and SpiderMan. Don't ask his opinion on Captain America; you may not like his answer. He has become kinder to Noah, although sharing toys isn't always a victory.

Noah turned one in July. He's a bit of a momma's boy, and gets upset if I leave the room. I guess I'm biased, but he's a little smarty, too! He can say most of his larger physical features, and can point to many more. His vocabulary is growing, and can say over 30 words (when his paci isn't in his mouth). He can follow simple commands, and will identify various family members by name or pointing.

In February, I accepted a new role in the office I has been in for over a year. I was in that position from March until October. In November, I accepted and began another position within the company, changing clinics, responsibilities, and my sanity. It's been a difficult transition in ways; I think that any time you have a huge shift in responsibility, there are growing pains. And I've felt (and am feeling) every pinch and stretch of that.

John had a productive year, also changing roles. After a lot of hard work, he graduated from OCS, and is now a 2nd Lt in the National Guard. Which is my lead in for our future.

2013 (and more so 2014) is going to be hard. John will leave in the coming weeks for 3 months of military training on the east coast. And in December of 2013, he is currently scheduled to deploy to the Horn of Africa for a year.

Most of the time I'm okay when discussing it, feigning a smile or nod. And then there are the times it hits me, and I'm gasping for air because my heart hurts just that much.

And that's it, in a nutshell. I'm glad to be back, to use this as an outlet for creativity, to laugh, to cry or yell.

Oh, and we got a cat.

untitled.

so, i’ve been absent from my blog for a while. and it’s been purposeful because i hadn’t (and still haven’t, honestly) figured out clear, concise way to explain my absence other than the following word:

anxiety.

my social anxiety, while i hate it, is manageable. what started happening several months ago, the OH MY GOD WHY CAN’T I BREATHE panic attacks…those were becoming more and more common. and that’s always fun. my triggers were generally related to work. i found myself locking the door in the restroom at work, sliding along it and unto the floor in full, blown out panic attacks at least weekly. and truth be told, the bathrooms at work are VERY STINKY.

i kept it to myself until i had a particularly bad episode one day in february, texting john that if things didn’t get better soon i’d need to go to the doctor. i decided to do a total lifestyle overhaul; eliminating things from my life that drove me to the edge, changing my diet to a cleaner, healthier way of eating, and starting a consistent exercise regiment. if i didn’t start feeling better after several weeks, i’d go to the doctor to discuss other options. when john got back from his month-long training in charleston, sc at the beginning of march, we jumped right in.

and it’s working, so far at least. i’m feeling better physically, mentally, and emotionally. i’m not saying that it has been easy. and i’m not saying that i haven’t experienced any more panic attacks, because i have. but they are less frequent and less intense than they have been in the past.

so…that’s why i’ve been absent. there’s a sort of shame involved admitting that you are more or less on the verge of losing your shit all of the time. because that’s a great party trick, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 

chuckles.

i wish i could say it’s only happened once or twice, but there have actually been multiple (way more that i’d like to acknowledge) times where someone is introducing me to another person, and then says:

you know wendy! she’s the girl whose facebook status updates/blog i read to you! she’s hilarious!

and then the other person is just staring at me, like they’re just waiting for me to spew forth hilarity. on cue. like a trained seal. while i stand there blank faced, my mind silently screaming I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN BEING! I AM A (WO)MAN!

now i’m completely self-aware of what i post on facebook, trying to really reserve that space for either something completely outstanding or somewhat important. which is probably why i can’t bring myself to update my facebook at all. it’s like finding out that you have a poppy seed wedged between your two front teeth hours after you ate lunch. everyone is looking, but no one says anything.

this is what it had to feel like to be britney back in 2007. and 2008. and parts of 2009. the pressure…it’s crushing.

super

one of the newer things that jonas likes to do is to pretend that he is a superhero. he’ll grab a towel or blanket, wrap it around his neck, and run through the house proclaiming SUPER JONAS TO THE RESCUE! with his little fist clenched, leading the way.

it’s sweet and adorable and makes me smile.

while we were at john’s parents’ house for christmas, jonas was doing his usual super routine. except that this time he’d fling himself to the ground, sadly saying “i can’t doooooo it!”. we finally asked what he couldn’t do, and he said,

“I CAN’T FLYYYYY!”

so john walked over to him, picked him up so that he was parallel to the ground, and helped jonas fly. he was back to the rescue in prime form.

……….

it’s memories like these that make me so excited to raise these two little boys, to watch them grow, to see them experience life every day. it may mean years of walking on tiny lego parts and more hot wheels cars than a toy store, but i can’t wait to see who these boys become.

tiny driver

over the past few weeks, jonas has started to become the world’s tiniest backseat driver. from commenting on how fast or slow you’re going to being cautious around other drivers, we’ve heard it all. and don’t get me started on the 10 minutes of WHAT WAS THAT NOISE, MOMMY? after you accidently hit the grated side of the bypass.

but of all of the rules of the road, his favorite has to be traffic lights. a quarter mile from a visible red light will result in STOP, MOMMY, STOP! THE LIGHT IS RED until you actually stop the car. when the light turns green he commands us to GO, MOMMY, GO! jonas will even tell us to SLOOOOOW down when the light turns yellow. he’s steadily becoming more maniacal with this newfound authority, the road rage building as we sit at red lights because COME ON GREEN! WE NEED GREEN!

i know that we joke about it, but i’m actually impressed by his knowledge of things i didn’t realize he was learning. kids grasp on to things, sayings, tidbits throughout the day when you least expect it.

when i was in first grade, our class went on a field trip to the mall to see a vehicle safety exhibit. in my seven year old mind, it was amazing. there were police officers from around the area, different learning stations set up, and vince and larry were even there. i loved every second of it. at one of the learning stations a police officer asked our class if we knew what colors meant what on traffic lights. the answers for the red and green lights were quickly shouted out, but no one was saying what the yellow light meant. after he asked us again what a yellow light meant, i raised my hand and said, “it means to make up your mind!”.

which if you’ve seen me drive, you know is true. this is probably why i failed my driving test the first time. which means it’s just another thing i can blame on my parents. jonas, are you taking notes?